23 Jun

Get As Healthy As A Horse, But Not As Heavy As One

Ed, my old neighbor from Saskatchewan, usually has no connection to Facebook. Sadly, his wife Ruby has become addicted to that social media site. Last week, a friend put some pictures of the wife and me, trying some square dancing on Facebook. Pictures do not lie so I looked like an elephant in a plaid shirt and jeans, lumbering awkwardly on the dance floor. Ruby had Ed look at the pictures on the website, and I will regret it for some time to come.

The first question Ed had for me was, “I thought you were losing some weight? You need to lose about 50 lbs more, going by your Facebook pictures,” my old neighbor said over the phone. He then offered to lend me money to buy a Fitbit. Not only has Ruby become dedicated to Facebook, but she has been wearing a Fitbit, recording her number of steps every day, religiously. Ed had great fun telling me that while many lose weight by walking 10,000 steps a day, I might want to double that to get my weight down to a size suitable to be caught on a camera.

Moving Forward

18 Jun

Moving Forward, Out of the Fire and Into the Frying Pan

“Where are you now?” Ed, my old neighbor from Saskatchewan, asked on the answering machine? He admits that it was much easier keeping track of our whereabouts when we lived next door. When I called him back and told him we were at our granddaughter’s high school graduation, Ed scoffed at such events. “Why do they have a significant event concerning a person’s jump out of the fire into the frying pan?” he asked.

“During high school you are continually firefighting smoky classes, choking on subjects that burn your eyes, and blister your patience. There is an infernal furnace of assignments, tests and exams until, at last, you are done your ordeal,” according to Ed. In high school, Ed majored in flirting with girls, smoking cigarettes, being both late for class and absent from school, smart remarks, and was a frequent participant at detentions. He viewed his graduation day as a release from prison.


8 Jun

A Magical Situation Can Turn Into A Toxic Waste

Ed, my old neighbor from Saskatchewan, called yesterday when the weather was so hot it made a person seriously consider that it could be a taste of hell. He challenged me when I told him that it was too hot to breathe. “I don’t remember you whining about the heat in Saskatchewan. You’ve faced hot weather before, jump in the river or the ocean to cool off,” Ed said.

I asked Ed if he had heard that the equator had moved north so that we were frying, like French fries in hot grease, here in B.C., I told him that it has to do with global climate change. He almost believed me for ten seconds. My old neighbor refused to tell me how the weather was behaving in Saskatchewan. He Informed me that those who move away from God’s country could only long for cool nights and comfortable summer heat. I asked him if it was hot enough there that he had the air conditioner running in his tractor’s cab. He answered yes. 

Master Chef

4 Jun

Fill up your Plate, Food is to Eat, not to Look At

Ed, my old neighbor from Saskatchewan, phoned last night when I was watching MasterChef Canada. It is a program; Ed has little interest in watching. He claimed that eating plain, ordinary food is good enough for anyone. “Why! make a big deal about how attractive the food looks on a plate?” Ed demanded. “Let me help myself and fill up my plate with the food I like best.” When he heard that they were cooking with cocktails to inspire two dishes on last night’s program, he called it, “Stupid.” His pressure test would have been to have the home cooks drink several cocktails, and then see which one could put out a decent meal after a few drinks.

Ed, decided that since I worked at A&W a few years ago, and that I do cook at home some, that I was planning to try out for the show. He knew the prize was $100,000 for the winner, so he was all for me auditioning for MasterChef Canada. I tried to persuade my old neighbor that the home cooks on the show are much better at making all types meals than myself. I told Ed that I excel at eating rather than cooking. He said that it was evident from my weight.

Lifejacket #9

27 May

Will Your Lifejacket Float You to Shore?

“So you were probably seasick on the ocean,” is the way my old neighbor Ed, dismissed the news that we had just returned from a cruise to Alaska. “Stuck on a boat for seven days with a bunch of strangers, must have been great fun!” scoffed Ed. “Why would you spend money to look at glaciers, whales, and bald eagles?” he asked.  I assured him it wasn’t because I like to waste money, and that there is no explanation for what we do.

I told Ed that people on our cruise had an opportunity to fish, kayak, pan for gold, and fly in seaplanes, and helicopters, and more. They could also explore Juneau, Haines, and Ketchikan as well as, get up close and personal with the Daws Glacier. What got Ed interested was the size of the cruise ship; 785 feet in length, 106 feet wide and a weight of 63,000 tons. The fuel consumption for diesel generators was about 85 gallons per mile depending on the speed. Its maximum speed was 21.5 knots.

Worst Driver

10 May

Canada’s Worst Drivers are not Just on the Television Screen

Ed, my old neighbor from Saskatchewan, phoned yesterday while I was watching Canada’s Worst Driver. He could not figure out why I would watch Canada’s Worst Drivers on the television when I could see lots of them anytime I was on any highway. I said that at least on TV they were not as scary as when you share the road with them in your car. I asked if Ed had ever noticed how safe drivers can quickly become terrible drivers in some situations.  He ignored my question.

We both agreed that the thousands of people fleeing the fire at Fort McMurray had a terrifying experience, evacuating their city. What a nightmare they experienced in their drive to get away from a fire that would not be controlled or stopped. Of course, Ed pointed out that prayers that the wildfire would avert the city failed. God was not listening. Of course, I noted that the fire had not claimed scores of lives which might have been the case without God’s protection in answer to prayers. We both agreed that the natural disasters that swallow up lives are the worst; for you can rebuild a house after a fire but not a person killed in a fire.